Holy Sh*t! We're Actually Having a Baby!

A New Outook and a New Dresser for Ellis

Sooo, those close to me know all of this but I feel like "outing" myself. Actually I NEED to out myself in order to get on with things. I have been driving my friends crazy with my state of denial in regards to this baby. I have been too scared to believe that we may actually have a happy ending that I have done nothing, bought nothing and not allowed anything baby-related in the house. When my wonderful friends offered to host a shower, I selected a date so close to the due date that we could cancel it "just in case". Our lovely friends in Atlanta actually already gave us a shower, a "Man Shower" hosted by Jade's best friends. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to be the asshole that wasn't appreciative of a shower, but I was nervous having it so early. After all, I was making our Austin friends wait until just 4 weeks before the due date to throw a shower. After the "Man Shower" we shipped all the amazing gifts we received in a giant box back home and stuck the box in a closet. I wasn't ready to have all this baby stuff in the house.

All of this paranoia comes with good reason. This hasn't been the easiest journey. I got pregnant for the first time last year after 12 months of trying. We were thrilled when we found out. Then 2 days later, I miscarried. We were so disappointed but six months later, we discovered I was pregnant again - yeah!



But then I started having similar symptoms as I had when I miscarried before and was certain it was happening again. I immediately went to the doctor even though they don't normally see you for the first time until you are 8 weeks (I was 4 weeks). They ran lots of tests and confirmed I was in fact still pregnant and I scheduled my 8 week "Confirmation" appointment for a month later to do the first sonogram. Leading up to the 8 week appointment, I was a nervous wreck all the time, terrified we would lose this baby too. And then the surprise of all surprises - TWINS!





Jade and I sat totally stunned and terrified and joyful and thrilled. And did I stay stunned? I went in just hoping for ONE heartbeat and there were TWO! We were not using fertility assistance of any kind, so twins never crossed our minds. I remember walking to the car in the parking lot in a daze. It was overwhelming. We told our family and closest friends and they were all equally stunned and thrilled. If you thought I was full of nerves and anxiety before, then this was a new level of terrified. I was fully concentrated on my body, any signs it was giving me, hyper-aware of all symptoms and constantly worried something would go wrong. The night before the next sonogram at 12 weeks I broke down bawling. I just knew we were going to get bad news and felt more nervous than I had ever been in my life. As it turns out, my anxiety was not unfounded. At the sonogram, the doctor could not locate a heartbeat for one of the babies. The images of the 2 babies were not equal. One of them was measuring about 10 days behind the other. I was devastated that I'd been walking around for 10 whole days totally unaware that I'd lost one of the babies. I went home and crawled in bed and didn't get up for two days. I was grieving a baby that I'd only known existed for 4 weeks but had already let my mind run wild with what the future looked like with twins. I was also still terrified that something would happen the remaining baby. From that point forward, I had a total and complete meltdown before every appointment, certain that THIS would be the appointment that we'd get more bad news. 12 weeks became 16, then 18, then 22 and now we're at 28.

I tried to relish the milestones, like announcing the pregnancy, finding out the gender, picking a name. I even did a cupcake reveal party to try to get my mojo about this whole baby thing, but I was still blocking my excitement. I took pictures knowing that someday I may want them, but hadn't really looked at them until now. And I didn't like saying her name (Ellis) out loud. I was too scared to let myself visualize the future again after the first miscarriage and then losing the twin for fear that something bad would happen. Again.


At 16 weeks I forced myself to go public. This was my Facebook announcement.



18 Weeks - One Healthy Baby.


My beautiful niece decked out in pink and blue at the gender reveal anxiously awaiting the big news.



Smiles on the outside at the gender reveal, totally paranoid and terrified on the inside.



It's a Girl!



So, I was a mess. Conflicted with my desire to be happy and be my normal planner self and terrifed that my house of cards would fall.

But something clicked this week. Two days ago, when I turned 28 weeks, it kind of hit me - "Holy Sh*t! I think I'm going to have this baby! Ellis is coming!" I was driving home from work and at a traffic light I glanced at my 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' iphone app and the due date tracker showed my countdown was now just 12 weeks! I don't know why 12 weeks was the magic number, but it was. I called one of my best friends Angela and when she answered I didn't even say hello, I just blurted out "Oh my gawd, I'm having a baby in 12 weeks"! She laughed and said welcome to the show! She called out over her cubicle to another best friend of ours (they work together) and said "Hey Jaimie, Kel just realized she's having a baby!" I started crying a little, but this time they were not nervous, terrified tears, they were happy tears.

So after this epiphany I decided I would start preparing for Ellis' arrival. I got home and started looking at furniture online. I've been coveting mirrored dressers for years but they are so expensive. The ones I like the most are $900-$2000 and I just never could let myself spend that kind of money on a dresser. Then I found this brand new/never used one on Craigslist for $200! Jade and I went and bought it yesterday. I was so excited and I love, love, love it. Our little girl's room is going to be so pretty. I was on such a high.




Then I spiraled back in to crazy-worried-town. I didn't tell Jade, but I went to bed terrified that I would wake up and have lost the baby because I had jinxed myself by buying something and bringing it into the house. I had allowed myself to get excited and I just knew I would pay the price for it. I realize this is insane, but I'm pregnant and hormonal and totally irrational! Well I woke up to tons of movement from Ellis this morning. I think she was reassuring me it's OK to shop :) I think today I'll start putting all those gifts from the "Man Shower" away and putting things in the dresser drawers.

I have two more hurdles to pass - the gestational diabetes test on Tuesday and then we're getting a 3D sonogram on September 29. I'm so excited for the 3D sonogram. I can't wait to see her face in so much detail. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried that we might discover something bad. That's my doubt creeping back in. I will try to squish it, but I know it will live in the back of my head until I deliver. And then when I have a real live baby in my arms, I'm certain a whole new set of mommy worries will live inside of me for the rest of my life. For now though, I'm just concentrating on getting to the finish line.

Eagles Among Us

8.9.12

The 7th marked the 6th year of my dad being gone. Six years since his accident and untimely departure. If you knew my dad, you knew his appreciation of Bald Eagles. He had a collection of Eagles proudly displayed on shelves – he loved what they symbolized from a patriotic standpoint and I remember him talking about how, on the few occasions he’d been lucky enough to see one, they soared beautifully. More on that in a moment.

I remember the moments, days and weeks after the accident as a daze. I feel like at the time, I was watching these events unfold around me - they weren’t actually happening to me and my family. It was like watching a movie. Even when I think back to that time, it’s like remembering a movie I once saw. But I specifically remember sitting in the car at traffic lights thinking “What are all you people doing? Don’t you know that world has come to a screeching halt? Why are you just driving around like everything is the same? NOTHING is the same!” If you’ve been through a loss, I know you can relate. These people were just going about their normal days while my brother-in-law was haggling with the hospital in Denver to release my dad’s body so he could be flown back to Texas. (I don’t wish that on anyone). The people in their cars at the traffic light were impatiently running their errands and the world couldn’t move fast enough for them. For us, even though it felt like time was standing still, it felt like things were moving way too fast. They were off to the grocery store; we were off to select a funeral package. While they ran the kids to soccer practice, I was rushing around shopping. When I flew home from Atlanta, I thought I was just coming home because my dad had been in a bad accident. It wasn’t until I landed at DFW that my brother-in-law had to tell me that my dad hadn’t made it. After my meltdown, I realized I hadn’t packed anything to wear to a funeral. Isn’t that ridiculous? In this moment when my world came crashing down, I was worried about what I would wear! Just so you know, I bought a dress the perfect shade of UPS brown since my dad had worked there for so many years. I still have the dress, but have yet to wear it again. My sister and I also both bought necklaces to wear with ruby colored stones since his favorite color was burgundy and his first Harley was named “Ruby”(yes, his bikes had names). I also still have that necklace and have yet to wear it again.

Back to the Eagles…During all of this driving around, wishing the world would stop and weep with me, I kept seeing or discovering references to eagles. We learned that my dad’s accident had taken place in Eagle County, CO about 2 hours outside of Denver. While sitting at traffic lights, I noticed John Eagle Honda emblems on the backs of cars….several cars on several occasions. I saw a sticker for Eagle Mountain-Saginaw School District. I saw another sticker for the Desoto High School Eagles and yet another for the Richardson High School Eagles. Of course these weren’t all in the same place at the same time. I saw them over the 2 weeks I was home from Atlanta, driving all over Carrollton, Lewisville and Flower Mound. If you know anything about the DFW area, you know these three schools are nowhere near Carrollton, Lewisville or Flower Mound. Why were these damn Eagles popping up everywhere?!?

Fast forward 6 years and this morning I’m sitting at Chicago-Midway airport waiting to catch an early flight home. Given that the 6-year mark passed a few days ago I was reflecting on the past 6 years, how much I still miss my dad, realizing I think I miss him now more than ever. I wish he was here to meet my first child due in December. He’d be thrilled with the name we selected – Ellis Renee. My eyes started to fill with tears – you know the kind? The big alligator tears that sit on the edge, impossibly filling up your entire eyeball and waiting to spill over until you blink. Well, I didn’t want to be the emotional pregnant lady crying over her coffee, so I shake it off and start absent mindedly looking around to see what I could find to distract me. There were gift shops all around not yet open, a newsstand, and a young couple next to me fighting – clearly the early morning flight was more than their fledgling relationship could handle. As I continued my scan of the large food court area, my eyes focus on a museum or art display of some type that is also not yet open, but the window display was jumping out at me. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing…..this required a closer inspection. I clear my breakfast trash, grab my bag and coffee and make my way over.

UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Just when I’m reflecting about my dad and attempting not to have a very public, pregnant lady, emotional meltdown, this is what I see…..





I must have looked silly, smiling so big at a window display and busting out my phone to take a picture. Call it what you will – divine intervention, supreme coincidence, happenstance, fate. Whatever it was, it was greatness. Thanks Dad!