#3 That Will Never Be

I just realized if I got pregnant TODAY, I would not have the baby until well after my 40th birthday. And 40 was always my personal cut off.  Not sure why.  It seemed like a nice, round, whole number.  It really is just an arbitrary finish line, I guess.   Somewhere along the way I decided that 40 was it for my eggs and so it became gospel.  But it hasn't really been an issue because we were lucky enough to have two babies in a row and knocked the baby making out of the way.  We decided we were done.  Well, we actually said "Dang these babies are awesome and if we'd met sooner, married sooner and started this process sooner we'd have 10 of these but we're old and tired and broke and done".   We've had many discussions in the 3 years since Lucy was born, usually when we've been drinking and we know that's when your true feelings come out....  "Do we?  Should we? Could we?"

But alas, it was put to bed.  Done.  No more.

However somewhere in the back of my head lived baby #3.  He's just been hanging out back there, like a little angel on my shoulder saying "hey, what about me?"

Yes, I said HE.  His name has been chosen since I became pregnant with Ellis.  That pregnancy was actually a twin pregnancy and I was convinced it was two boys and that I would be a boy mom.. Cannon Christopher and Ellis something.  Cannon and Ellis.  My mom's maiden name and my maiden name.  Christopher is Jade's middle name and went perfectly with Cannon but we didn't have a middle name for boy Ellis.  I was brainstorming other names from Jade's family we could incorporate as the middle name but then we didn't need it.  We lost one twin and the surviving baby was a girl...our perfect Ellis Rene.  Then 13 months later Lucy Bell was born.  Turns out I am NOT a boy mom.  I'm a total girl mom.

Cannon still sits in the back my head, whispering to me and making me daydream about a third baby.  In all actuality, our third baby would probably be another clone girl baby and we'd have another feisty little lady with big eyes and fair skin.  Another independent, opinionated woman in the making. Just like we like 'em ;)  Because that's what we make.

Anyways, I've daydreamed about him/her all this time, thinking....well maybe.  I'm not 40 yet.

But then BAM.  I just realized freakin' 40 is less than a baby away.  So I  just had the epiphany that I actually have already hit that made up finish line.  I mean, we were not planning on having anymore.  But the finality of that declaration feels sad to me.  I will never again know the excitement of telling Jade I'm pregnant.  I will never again know that little fluttering feeling of new life growing.  I'm so not romanticizing pregnancy, because it sucked.  Bad.  I was so sick for the first 18-20 weeks both times.  But also it is so amazing.  The human body, more specifically, the female body, really is incredible don't you think?  We can grow people!  That's really just mind blowing when you think about it.


So I'm kind of sad.  I'm saying goodbye to the baby that didn't really ever exist except for in my mind.  And in my heart.

But also, SLEEP!  I know it's coming.  Those mystical nights I hear people talk about where your precious clone babies sleep all damn night, every damn night.  I'm not sure when, but I just know it must be coming!

*****Please note - if you're 40 and haven't started yet, please don't let my words make you feel any kind of way.  If I hadn't had these babies yet, knowing what I know now about how they make my heart feel full and complete and so, so dang happy, there wouldn't be a cut off age.  Hell, have babies at 50!  You do you!