I’ve been on a lot of planes lately, talking to my dad. And God.
It’s what I do on planes…I get all spiritual and forlorn. Maybe it’s the proximity to heaven (more on
that later) or the distance from real life. I'm forced to unplug and and it gives me the opportunity to be in my thoughts. I’ve been transparent about my faith issues in the past. Y’all, I take the struggle bus DAILY when it
comes to faith and God and religion.
ESPECIALLY religion. It’s a
constant battle of my head versus my heart.
But Layla.
There are some things about faith that just don’t work for
me. It seems absurd that entire populations
of people are worshiping ONE guy. Just a
guy. If droves of people were worshiping
a current day dude, we’d call them crazy.
Praise Tom! Oh wait, that HAS
happened and we DO call them crazy. So
why is Christianity, or any other religion for that matter, any different? Because
it’s old? Because otherwise sane, smart
people are believers? For me, being a
true believer in the spiritual unknown and science/common sense haven’t been able to live on the same street. The common sense, practical, literal part of
my brain lived on one street. And the
faith part of my brain was in an entirely different zip code. Sometimes I’d visit my faith that was living over in that other zip code, but always end
up back at my comfy, analytical home where I’d watch those faithful people from afar. Until now, it’s been one or the other for me.
I was either all in on faith and God and church and religion or I was out.
But Layla.
Some of the stuff in the Bible is downright absurd. You believers must admit that it can sound
bananas. But in the most unexpected
place I recently found some clarity on this topic. The TV show Grey’s Anatomy, of all places,
had an episode called “Personal Jesus” a few weeks ago where a doctor (known as
the super religious, Jesus loving doc) experiences several challenges to her
faith in one day. In one scene, she is
talking with
a patient that has landed himself in the hospital because he has taken to hurting/punishing himself based on his very literal
translation of the bible. She tells him the Bible is full of
stories and metaphors and things aren’t meant to be taken so literally, that it
is meant to be followed “within reason”.
Ding, ding, ding. I can get on board with this.
For a long time I wasn’t all that sure about heaven. This
goes hand in hand with my faith struggle I suppose. I mean if the dude ain’t real, then surely
his home in the clouds is a crock too, right?
Could this be another example of a bible story taken too literally?
But Layla.
When you pray and pray and beg and beg and hope and hope and
just KNOW that your friend with faith the size of the universe will have things
swing her way and that God will save her baby, and then her baby isn’t saved, your
already fragile faith can really take a hit.
Why would I…why should I, believe in that guy?
Because Layla.
You see, I just can’t live in a world where my friend never
sees her baby again. That world just
can’t exist. It can’t. My heart can’t
handle that. My head can’t either. I simply MUST believe that she’s in heaven,
whatever that may be…whatever form it may take, waiting on her family. And it’s not sad for her, she’s not lonely
there, all pitifully waiting like a lost child.
She’s good. She’s well. She’s whole.
She is where cancer can no longer rob her of her spunk and brilliance
and sweet, squeaky little voice. And her
mom and dad and brother and new baby sister will see her again. I HAVE to believe this. I realize the doubters (and I include myself
in that bunch) will say I’m just making this whole thing fit my current needs and address my current heartbreak. I don't know. Maybe that's true. I’m fine with that. I’ve made peace with that.
Because Layla.
One little girl has changed me at my core. Moved me so deeply that I’ll never be the same. So much so that I’m taking faith lessons not only from her, but from stupid TV shows too. But hey, you take the lessons where you get them right?
You see I have friends that I respect very much on both
sides of the faith fence. The
non-believers appeal to my common-sense core, my science mind, the
doubter. But the believers appeal to my
heart. And in this case, the heart
wins.
Because Layla.
I think part of the reason I struggle, and maybe why so many like me struggle, it because of stuff like this. This is on a sign I drive by every single day on the way to pick up my kids form school.
You see, this is not faith.
This is religion. This is
man. This is why people like me struggle
with the entire thing. But I've come to realize I don’t need to
buy into this man-made threat to have faith.
I just need faith that there is more.
And I believe there is more.
Because Layla
At just 5 years old, Layla's feet were firmly planted on the believing side of the fence
and she’s pulled me over. This makes
almost zero sense as I prayed so hard for her to get well, for my friend not to
experience the most devastating heartbreak a person can endure and it didn’t go
the way I wanted. Why should I believe
when the prayers of thousands praying over Layla were not answered? Why?
Because Layla.
I believe because of Layla.
I’m not claiming to be totally resolved in my struggles. I’m certain I will wrestle with this more. But for now I’m in a comfortable place where faith can live on the same block as science and although I have to reconcile this almost daily, I am better.
Because of Layla.
“Science without religion is lame, religion
without science is blind.”
― Albert Einstein.
― Albert Einstein.
“I believe in God, but not as one
thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is
something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and
all the rest said was right. It's just that the translations have gone wrong.”
― John Lennon
― John Lennon
