Most people in my life don't know about me what I'm about to write about. Actually I can count on one hand how many people know my feelings on this topic - Sister, Brother, Mom, Jade, Jorie.
Here's the deal - I have been struggling for YEARS with faith/religion/Christianity/etc. I've been on this believer/non-believer continuum swinging back and forth for more than 15 years. I grew up in church. Went to church camp. Believed. Sang. Read the Bible. All of it. My entire extended family is super religous. Pastors, y'all! But about 15 years ago, my logical, common sense, science believing self had a hard time wrapping my head around a dude walking on water, a virgin getting pregnant and the concept of heaven. It didn't make sense. None of it. I mean, if all Christians are honest, that stuff sounds totally bananas. But they have faith - so it's not. It's not totally bananas.
Organized religion harboring criminals and crazy, hypocritical church people I knew didn't help. I was already on the non-believer end of the continuum when my dad died. And that little situation pushed me over the edge. People would say things like "he's in a better place" and I was like "fuck that". My dad was young and healthy and living a beautiful life. He didn't NEED a better place. He was in a pretty damn good place right here with us. I didn't really believe in heaven, maybe an afterlife of sorts, but heaven was not what I called it. Either way, he didn't need it. Maybe people that are sick and dying an awful death need a better place. But my dad didn't and should've still been with us. I still feel this way.
I haven't attended a church service since then (until today!!!) and before that I only stepped foot in a church for Christmas Eve service with my mom, or for a funeral or wedding. And when I did go, it made me cry, which confused me more. Why was I crying? What was I feeling that made me so emotional? Was there some hidden believer deep inside wanting out? Nah - virgins DO NOT magically get pregnant and it is scientifically impossible to walk on water.
I had always prayed, but not really to anyone in particular...to the universe, I guess. And I always liked the music part of church even though in recent years the music is often what made me cry. I also always respected others' faith. I was actually jealous of it. I wanted to be able to just blindly believe and sing and commune with other believers. I want to so boldly and confidently believe in heaven . I mean, that place sounds amazing. But my common sense tells me we are biological specimens - a collection of cells. We live and then we die. That's it.
So fast forward to me and Jade having kids. He grew up in the church and wants to take our kids to church. I wasn't opposed to the idea, although I DO NOT think you have to take your kids to church to teach them to be kind, loving, good citizens of the planet. Anyways, I have mostly ignored this and he's let it go. Until today. Last night he said, "I want to go to church tomorrow and take the girls". So we went. I was pensive. Nervous. Terrified of leaving Ellis in a nursery with people I don't know. I oiled myself up (see below) and we went, we left Ellis in the care of some sweet lady and took our seats in the church with Lucy, in the back row in case she lost her cool. And I immediately got tears in my eays but choked it back and nobody saw.
Admittedly, I only picked up a few bits of what the pastor was saying between my mind swirling around the fact that I was there and Lucy fidgeting. But one line I did hear was God is there for the believers and the non-believers alike. Wait, what did he say? Is this dude in my head? And why do I have a lump in my throat and feel like crying again? Whatever, he probably says that every week. And then he was talking about preparing for Christmas and that it annoys him when people say "Keep the Christ in Christmas because you literally can't have Christmas without Christ - it's his birthday for crying out loud. Those that celebrate without Christ are just celebrating a -mas of nothing". That resonated with me - a mass of nothing. Hum....something to think about. Then they sang Amazing Grace. At this point Lucy was restless so I was standing behind our row of chairs at the back, swaying back and forth with Lucy. And dang it if that Amazing Grace didn't make me cry. What is this - the crying?
So that's my church story. I'm gonna go back. I'm a work in progress and something about this crying is making me curious.
The oils I used this morning to pump myself up were:
Motivation™ - Motivation is a blend of Roman chamomile, spruce, ylang ylang, and lavender that helps enable a person to surmount fear and procrastination while stimulating feelings of action and accomplishment. It enhances the ability to move forward in a positive direction.
Valor® - Valor is an empowering combination of therapeutic-grade essential oils (Spruce, rosewood, blue tansy and frankincense in a base of coconut oil) that works with both the physical and spiritual aspects of the body to increase feelings of strength, courage, and self-esteem in the face of adversity. Renowned for its strengthening qualities, Valor enhances an individual's internal resources. It has also been found to help energy alignment in the body.
To get some oily tips and tricks, go like my Facebook page Oily Living.
DISCLAIMER: This page promotes ONLY Young Living brand essential oils. I am not a doctor and I am not diagnosing, recommending treatment or offering cures for ailments or illnesses. These are my personal experiences in using Young Living Essential Oils with my family. YLEO are pure, therapeutic grade oils and the only oils I would use in the ways that I discuss
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