I wrote the below blog post on August 8th, the day after the 10 year mark....but I couldn't post it. I've been a bigger mess about this 10 year mark than I anticipated. I've been pretty OK the last few years as the 7th of Augusts have come and gone. There have now been ten 7th of Augusts. And I thought this year would sorta be no biggie either. But I was wrong. And I haven't been able to go there. To talk about it or think about it . I couldn't. I just couldn't. As soon as I've allowed my self to go there, to think about it, I melt. I get that old familiar sunken chest feeling. And then I think "What the fuck man? It's been 10 years, get your shit together". My sister has written 2 beautiful blogs posts about this. And the one yesterday did me in. I read the first few sentences and had to stop. Had to save it for later. I shook it off and went about my day. I had an unexpected day off and took the opportunity to hit up the grocery store on a weekday morning. My sister and I had been texting back and forth about all kinds of random stuff and I told her I couldn't read her blog today b/c I'm a mess about #10. And then, I think because I finally admitted it to someone else, I let it rip. In the busy parking lot of the grocery store, I sobbed. Big ugly sobs. I knew I needed to get out, so I just went with it. Then told myself to get it together and go get some butter and cheese and other crap for my family to eat. And that was it. I was done. I had stuff to do and I pulled myself together. I've had to learn the lesson of just letting the sobs out over and over again throughout the years, but it seems I always forget.
Anyways, here are the words I wrote on 8.8.16 - 10 years and 1 day after 8.7.6. I really want to go back and edit them, but I'm going to go ahead and let them be....
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So my dad died 10 years ago yesterday on 8.7.06. It's an easy date to remember. 8.7.6. And the day after my little brother's birthday. That's sucks for him.
10 years. Damn. So much life has happened in 10 years. My sister's kids have grown up. Hell, I HAD kids. I've written about how I moved away 1 year before he died. I've written about that regret.
Anyways, as this date barreled towards me I kinda thought it was going to come and go without event. I was feeling like this date didn't own me anymore. Jennifer had been talking about taking back August - not letting it be about "that" - and it sounded like a good plan to me. Mom and Jen were coming to town for the Dixie Chicks concert. We all planned to take this day back without ever really talking about it. We just planned to do something fun because something fun just happened to be happening that day. So they came. We went to see a super funny movie one night. And then went to see the Chicks on "that day".
Done.
But not really.
I made it the whole day without crying. That was a first. I had a crazy day. There was sewage coming up out of my shower. Like, shit was floating in my shower. And then in my bathtub. That sucked bad. But no time for wallowing in sadness. We had shit to clean. Literally
So later we head out to the concert and I'm happy. We're laughing. I mean, I had thought about dad all day. But I was totally OK. Feeling almost guilty for feeling so OK. And I took my first ever pedicab ride in 8000 degree weather. Laughing and giggling with my mom and sister.
The Chicks opened with Taking the Long Way. And when they sang "It's been 2 long years now since the top of the world came crashing down" my sister and I lean into each other, totally unplanned, and both sing at the top of our lungs "it's been 10 long years now since the top of the world come crashing down. And I'm getting' it back on the road now."
That was fun. Take THAT 10 years.
Several songs later came one I love - one I was almost hoping they didn't play. Easy Silence.
"I've come to find a refuge in the
Easy silence that you make for me.
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me.
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay"
This song has made me cry almost every time I've heard it since my dad died. I KNOW it's not about loss. It's political. And I love the chicks for that. And I just so happen to lean the same way they do. But I'd love them either way. Because I think it's important that freedom of speech be supported.
"It's a sad, sad story when a mother will teach her
daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
and how in the world can the words that I said send
somebody so over the edge that they'd write me a
letter saying that I better shut up and sing or my life will be over?"
WTF. That's crazy.
Anyways. Easy Silence. "It's OK when there's nothing more to say to me"...almost feels like forgiveness to my dad for leaving. Even though I KNOW he would have never chosen to leave. But still there's anger. Anger he was on that trip to begin with. Anger that the damn deer jumped out in front of him. Anger that he was the one in the back of the pack of motorcycles so he was the one in the right spot at the right time when the deer that was spooked by the roar of Harleys jumped out from the trees into the road. So when this song plays at the concert , it's FIRST TIME all day I get sappy. The imagery on the giant screen behind them was beautiful and powerful and for a song that already gets me every time, well, it GOT me.
A few songs later they did what all groups do - they introduced their band. But this night was special. Natalie Maines' dad was playing with them. He was only joining the tour for the Texas dates. He's a legend in his own right so it was an honor to hear him play. But the fact that her dad was there when he usually doesn't perform with them and she gushed over him on a night when we were trying not to give in to 10 years of grief and loss was not lost on me.
Overall yesterday felt kinda sacred...holy. Time spent with Mom and Jen and the Dixie Chicks and Natalie's dad. Even with all the literal shit and figurative shit, it was a good day. These "anniversaries" are a funny thing...most anniversaries are celebrated. The anniversary of someone's passing is awkward though. You feel the need to acknowledge it. But recognizing it feels a little like celebrating it, and you for sure are NOT celebrating. Or maybe you are. Maybe you celebrate surviving another year of grief. With a Coors Light can or Shiner Draft, of course. Dad's favs. Shiner always ONLY on draft. It's no good in a can. My Dad said so. Cheers, Dad. Love you. Miss you.
